While sharing a warm beer with my slightly intoxicated father under the stars the other day, I suddenly got this arcane view of the universe. I suddenly realized I was living real life. We were discussing my life and financial situation when I suddenly realized that I'm past the point in my life where everything is fixable by someone who is more responsible for me than myself.
I am legally/emotionally/personally responsible for everything I do and things will happen that before seemed impossible; people will leave me, people around me will get sick, people I know will die.. I will die, people my age will have children, old friends will get married and all these things will not only be talked about, but they will happen.
My childhood naivete and sense of being untouchable has completely evaporated. I no longer look to the future and think that any thing is possible and that all will be perfect. I see the obstacle,the happiness, the heart break, the sacrifice and the hard work the future promises.No longer is it vague and off in the distance, but it is specific, uncertain and less grand that I thought it would be.
"I'm gonna be somebody", isn't that what we all tell ourselves. but what is somebody? who or what defines what makes you somebody? is it money, power, fame, love, faith, security, other people, your parents? how do you know when you have become some one? what do you do after you've become some one? QUIT? What if you end up being some one you never wanted to be? What if what I become is less then I expected for myself?
My honest to god greatest fear is to one day wake up next to a husband I don't love with a job I hate living a life I don't want. That and deep water...
Maybe I'm jaded maybe I've just grown up, maybe I'll get used to this uncertainty, maybe I'm not supposed to.
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